So much has happened, dear ones, that I dare not bore you with the tales of my many travels. Though perhaps now you begin to wonder why I write to you at all, then!

Well it has to do with, once more, my extreme stupidity and utter joy with wasting your time wisdom.

Actually, I have a favor to ask you young ones. I am conducting research for *dreaded sounds of horror* the University...but do not swoon from fear, my dears! Okay okay I'll drop my inner monologue for a second.

Do any of you know how to find the average rent costs per square foot for concessions (not kiosks) within aiports? Especially airports in Atlanta, Dallas or Denver. That would be fantastic. I have had no luck. You will be my hero if you have information on this.


NEXT, my darlings, we have to discuss something I have yet to do. I was tagged long, long ago, in the ancient time..you were all too young to remember this, I am sure. was the one who did this mysterious tagging, and it took me a long, long time to heed her call. So here it is:

Okay 8 things about The Fantastic, Whimsical, and Mystically Enigmatic Pronk:

1) I spend a lot of my time "role playing" (if you could even call it that) since I finally have grown to accept that I have no life.

2) My alter ego is a goat-devil named "The Chancellor", and he is quite handsome indeed. I often transform into him and go with my lovely friend, Bethsheba, to places around town.

3) I can mentally read my own mind. I am basically self-telepathic. I also have telekinetic powers on my own body. Really, there's no reason to be alarmed. No reason at all, in fact---HOLY COW I MOVED MY OWN HAND AGAIN WITH MY OWN MIND! God, sometimes I scare myself.

4) Contrary to popular belief, I do not live in a small box or a hole in the ground. In fact I live in a VERY large box.

5) I actually like to bake with living things


6) I have an abusive relationship with my GPA.

7) My feet are flatter than they should be. I think it's because I'm meant to be closer to the ground. And this way small animals cannot hide under the arch in my foot and nest there while I stand still for hours, barefoot, staring at the wall in awe.

8) When I was little I thought the toilet brush was a hair brush. 16 years later the same thing goes on with my view of how to spend my time.



Now. I was on facebook and was messing around with this menu thing...and it said you could "edit the menu". They had suggestions such as:

Pizza
Description: Mozzarella topped with mouth-watering olives served warm etc.

So I edited them.

If you eat at my restaurant, "Edible Facial Expression", (My name on there is Dr. Faucet-Rocious), you will find these items so far:

--UFO without the UFO part Pizza
Description: Cheese topped with your shocked facial expression when the waiter comes out wearing only a loincloth and a darth vader mask. Served warm and without any dead ancestors. Olives and the sound of the ocean toppings are optional.

--Igor's Nasal Playground Burger
Description: You will wish Frankenstein died

--Snape's Flammable Salad
Description: Don't light this on fire without me.

--Wogworth's Mobile Smiling Chili
Description: A spicy wizard pops out of this chili to smile into your face without warning. Surprise! Now don't eat here anymore.

--The Harrowing Hot Dog
Description: One bite out of this sparkly scrap of meat will cause your dentures to smile for you. Watch out for the giant next door to you who wants the hot dog more than you do.

--Dr.Pizzazz's Leg-Warmth Pasta
Description: Forgot your ear plugs at home? Well don't worry, because this pasta is going to knock your socks off while screaming bloody murder at your next-door neighbor. Delicious alfredo sauce poured over your head for no reason.

--Fligglebottom's Swinging Trousers Taco
Description: It's like smacking your mother-in-law with a foghorn with every bite.


Basically, I should release a movie called "Restaurant De Freak: The Waiter's Assistant" or something equally as dumb. "Where the FDA Banned Me Things Are" <--obviously pirate grammar. "Cloudy With a Chance of Indigestion" or "The Men Who Stare at their Plates with a Sad Face", "Paranormal Activity: The Sequel", or "The Twilight Saga: New...." no wait that's too horrific to parody.

Eat your hearts out!