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Pronkbaggins

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Today is an odd day. 

Today is the anniversary of one of the biggest, most nerve-wracking moments of my life. At this moment, it feels bittersweet to remember that one year ago I took a step outside of my comfort zone and tried something that ultimately did not work out but gave me more knowledge about who I am as a person. 

Today is also the anniversary of the unrelated Romantic Man Buffet. December 5 of every year marks a time when beings from all realms can wander into this galaxy and search for the rift in space time that leads to the Romantic Man Buffet. Legend has it that this glorious buffet features all forms of love, all founded by Romantic Man. Romantic Man needs no explanation, of course, we all learned about him in elementary school. Obviously. 

Now, which of these events is more important to me personally? It's a tough call, but I think Romantic Man Buffet wins. We have so much more to discover in our galaxy, our solar system...but Romantic Man Buffet has been one of NASA's secret top priorities for decades. 

Legend has it that once you enter Romantic Man Buffet, you will be bestowed with one special power that is so subtle it may take you decades to detect it. For example, you may be given the power to slightly alter traffic light colors to odd shades of red, yellow, and green. Further, you may be able to flip somebody off with a very light 'honk' sound that is nearly inaudible. You may also be able to have Metallica rise from the ground wherever you want them to. 

The best part about the hunt for Romantic Man Buffet is it takes place during months where many humans celebrate holidays. This means any alien life form will automatically be fully decked out with all December holiday gear. Even Joe Jonas knows this. 

Legend also has it that Romantic Man Buffet has only one type of food - fish burritos. Everyone in the universe loves this food. It's written into the DNA of even the smallest organism that may or may not possess DNA. What everyone wants is the love that the buffet has to offer. There are all types of love, including boom tri-laughter love - where you love someone so much that you grow three heads that are all very ticklish. There is also a love called YOLO Bing love where you maintain only one life but you can eternally view your lover through Bing's viewpoint. Then there are vanilla classics like "Family Love" that is very rare and comes with complementary infomercials featuring your whole family. 

Happy Romantic Man Buffet day! Maybe this year some life form will truly discover it. 
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The Big Good

2 min read
It has been over a year since I have updated this amazing cesspool of a journal that I have. 

I must begin with "Happy New Year."

This is a year where we have many resolutions. First, we resolve not to have resolutions. Then we resolve to forever surrender ourselves to the most amazing cookie warrior that graces our doorstep. Or maybe those are just my resolutions. 

As is obvious, inane journal posts come so naturally that being over 25 has absolutely no effect on my maturity level. 

A lot has happened in my life right now, but the only person who cares about that is Dr. Bubtub, who is also a humanoid sink. Dr. Bubtub has been my therapist for many a century (even before I was conceived) and she has told me that the number one rule of staying sane is to blow bubbles even when it is impossible. 

In other news, I have taken a major step towards life goals and it is very confusing. No, this is not about my desire to shed my skin to reveal that I have a brass interior that houses the original photographs of the first King Ape. It is about something far more dastardly, such as cheese. 

I really need to stop. Alright. I'm an adult and serious time beckons. 

But really, consider this: walnuts with legs. 
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Symbiotic

1 min read
    Interest rates on erratic friendships and silver sentient boxes are going up.
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It HAPPPPEEEEEENNNNNNSSSSS IT IS HAPPENING
THE GRADUATION
(again)


who in their right mind would let me, a fully grown T-Rex with seven X chromosomes and one R chromosome, have this degree? At 100 degrees this degree would no longer exist. It would be ash, and then it could catch 'em all. 
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Sir ISBN had a mission. He must publish every idea in the human heart. First, he had to begin with himself. It was a difficult task, as in the year 2014 he discovered that creativity resembled a pungent mousse with an ego complex. 

Today, Sir ISBN has published over 300 billion ideas. Unfortunately, access to these ideas remains in a locked library called The Library of Saddened Giants. Few have access. With the speed of an untuned trumpet going through its leg-growing stage of evolution, he managed to squeeze in just a few more publications at the end of 2013. 

You see, everyone, Sir ISBN has a job even more important than Santa Claus or Lady Gaga. He has to publish all these ideas, but some ideas are evil and threaten the world. That's why he is armed with the ancient sword of Hell Naw, Kid! 

He uses the sword to smite evil ideas before they are published. Unfortunately, some slip past much like a well-fed burglar slips past the moderators of Chefs Weekly forums. Sir ISBN could not do this without the support of his trusted steed, Blargh the show pony. 

As anyone who has seen years worth of ideas would do, Sir ISBN savors the best or most innovative. He creates a journal of his favorite published pieces every year. They make him smile wider than a goofy ogre who broke the stock market. 

The point of this story is long gone, my friends, much like 2013 is long gone. It exists only in memory and an alternative universe where we all have chins the size of our brains. 

If Sir ISBN looked into your heart today, what story would he publish? Would it be one about killer moose who began the spiral into evil the moment their clan was killed by a mentally discombobulated hot air balloon? Would it be about a raven who slept through several hundred years before he woke to remember he left the oven on? Would it be about the time a young girl made friends with a trash bag made of pure gold who she thought was the Prince of Hashbrowns but really turned out to be her soulmate's revenge complex? Would it be about a bouncing castle that dreamed of being a flesh eating sock-manufacturer? Would it be about an orthopedic surgeon who had the gift of inner sight so she could see her own face magnified everywhere? Would it be about a baker who dreamed of being a baker but never achieved his dream because he forgot he was a baker? Would it be about a woman whose legs grew into clones of herself and who commanded her mind so she would only speak politically at leg hair conventions? Would it be about a rental car that had no sentience so it was super boring? Would it be about a misanthrope who wore the Apron Of Ideas and won the lottery, whose grand prize was a ticket to his own home? Would it be about a venturer who found the Fountain of Youth but discovered it was really the Fountain of Yoohoohooth? Would it be about a young boy who discovers an egg in the forest and hatches it to find out it's his father? Would it be about a nest of dragon babies who grew up to be human CEOs? Would it be about a mother named Igor who raised her children to believe they were mouthpieces for an invisible force named Clark? Would it be about a sad ghost who just wanted to make friends so she ended up becoming a ghost bartender in a bar named Pacifier's Dreamcloud McGiggles Trashlord and found a friend named Emilio the Wise? Would it be about a french translator who stretched for too long one morning and ended up dislocating half the Universe? Would it be about an actor who made so much money she accidentally tripped over her bank account and into an alternative world where she did the exact same thing with more foghorn sounds? Would it be about how tired you are of reading this? Would it be about a smiling cloud that creeped everyone the hell out so one day it decided to yawn and then the world began obsessively baking a single, tiny carrot cake all at once? Would it be about a drug addict who got help and then began to help other people so well that the world became its own drug? Would it be about a blue collar worker who had magic powers and ended up using them to cure himself of magic? Would it be about a stop sign who learned egyptian so he could draw Russia on a drunk guys face? Would it be about a cop who realized she had the ability to hop without using her legs and used this power to make the X men movies play in people's faces during their weddings? Would it be about how the holidays are really just a conspiracy to get us to slowly, for 3 hours at a time, point our finger at ourselves in awe of our ability to point our finger at ourselves? Would it be about a time loop where everyone is really just a greasy bread loaf with wings? Would it....I'm going to stop now.  
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Featured

Holiday Romantic Man Buffet by Pronkbaggins, journal

The Big Good by Pronkbaggins, journal

Symbiotic by Pronkbaggins, journal

Wow. Graduation. by Pronkbaggins, journal

2014: The Legend of Sir ISBN by Pronkbaggins, journal